Hello all,
I had to take a second job in order to pay the bills. When I started my new job at the Cheese The One Pizza Parlor, I was asked to check the messages, which had been largely ignored for weeks. The following is the transcript following a series of messages left by a man named Rodriguez. Enjoy.
Although answering machines are sentient, they do not feel love
Messages Left On the Cheese The One Pizza Parlor Answering Machine
First Message – May 12, 2008 10:34 PM
Hello, Maggie. This is Rodriguez. You remember me. I am the sexy Spaniard who asked for your number on the subway. I am positive you remember me, for I am known to have that effect on women. But do not worry, Maggie. I do not play the field, even if I do get picked first for kickball every time. That is a metaphor. For sex.
I noticed the answering machine mentioned this was a pizza parlor. I assume you own it. If you are but a lowly employee, Maggie, please, do not fret. For if we were [ahem] intertwined, I could easily support you. I do not mind if you are a delivery person, for you are pretty enough to compensate for the most demeaning of positions. This also was a metaphor. For sex.
What was the name of the pizza parlor? Cheese an Angel Pizza Parlor. I think you are an angel, Maggie. My subway angel. Was the cheesy? Ha! Cheesy! That is rich. I shall save this dialogue for my screenplay.
Did I mention I am writing a screenplay. We should discuss it over a romantic dinner. Red Lobster? They serve oysters. You know what oysters are a metaphor for, right? For sex.
Please call me. You have my business card, but just in case, my number is 236 926 4357. Only, please call during business hours, for I am very busy working for an important and famous lawyer firm. Ciao, my subway angel.
Second Message – May 17, 2008 11:27 PM
Hello, Maggie, my subway angel. Rodriguez calling back. I don’t usually do this. I do not play games, for women throw themselves at my feet, like ticker tape at an astronaut, but I am giving you a second chance. I know you are interested in me, so you must be too scared to call back. Do not be! I like aggressive women. Of all the different flavors of female, aggression berry is my favorite. Ha! That is another good dialogue for my screenplay.
I have begun tailoring a role for you. It is of a damsel, but she is not in distress. She is strong and sexy, especially in the scene when the hero saves her from falling to her death. She counters by saying, “What a trip. See you next fall.” The only small concession is you’d have to dye your hair blonde. Oh, and there is a little bit of nudity, but I am sure that is not a problem for someone as free-spirited as yourself.
Regardless, my phone number, in case you forgot it, and lost my business card, and accidently deleted the last message whilst trying to save it, is 236 926 4357. Please call me and we can go out to dinner. The Olive Garden? Or does working at The Cheese Louise Pizza Parlor have you sick of Italians? If you are sick of Italians, I could whisk you away, since I am a rich entertainment lawyer. After eating our non-Italian meal, we might have some dessert. That was a metaphor. For crumb cake. Ciao, my subway angel.
Third Message – May 20th, 2008 3:07 AM
I see you play hard to get, Maggie, my subway angel. I am certain you know who this is. You have familiarized yourself with my voice, No? Yes. Would you not like to become familiarized with different parts of me as well? That was also a metaphor. For my penis.
Since you have not returned me calls, I assume there is some tragedy. Is your mother dead? Was it breast cancer that took her? If so, my condolences, but it is time to move on, Maggie. The best way to overcome life is to embrace life. And the best life is nightlife. Applebees? I assure you, it is as delightful as the name suggests.
I researched which words my phone number could spell for you. After a few hours, I realized my number spells Be-My-Angel–7. I could not figure out what to do with the number 7, until I realized 7 is the most angelic number of them all. I think this will be easier for you to remember and that you will soon call me, begging for our date. Ciao, my subway angel.
Fourth Message – May 20th, 2008 3:45 AM
I am calling back because I realized that it is possible that you are also facing financial ruin. The economy is in tough times, and to be frank, The Birds and the Cheese does not sound like a good pizza parlor. Could this be the reason my pretty flower has kept from her king bee? I wanted to assure that I could pay for everything you might need? Jewelry? Exercise machines? Pretty dresses? I can cover it all.
If you need a shoulder to cry on, please, use mine. But not literally, as my suits are very expensive. You need expensive suits when you are a movie agent to the stars. We can discuss your imminent foreclosure as well as your dead mother’s breast tumors, right, after, of course, talking about my screenplay. A very famous director is interested. Have you ever heard the name Chris Columbus? Not the explorer. The director. Please call me at Be-My-Angel-7.
Fifth Message – June 1st, 2008 10:34 PM
Hello, this is Rodriguez. I just realized the number I have been calling does not employ anyone named Maggie. Apparently, my lover accidently gave me a false number. I apologize for all the messages. If there is any women working at the That’s What Cheese Said Pizza Palace listening to this, you have heard how romantic I can be. Now experience it. Please feel free to call me at Be-My-Angel-7.
I can be your host to the land of pleasure. We can make love in the most thrilling of places. That was a metaphor. For your butt. I will call again soon to confirm the inquiries of any love-mates. Ciao, my possible pizza angels.
End of Messages.
At this point, the answering machine was full, and so I never found out what happened to Rodriguez, but I hope, wherever he is, his screenplay is successful, he has found true love, and his story has come to a happy end. That was a metaphor. For the end of this post.
Your Loyal Leader,
Gonzalo "When the Moon Hits Your Eye, Like a Big Pizza Pie, That's Amore" Cordova
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