Sandra, an English Grad, Needs Your Help

Hello All,

I recently got an email from my friend Sandra asking me to read over her cover letter.  She is desperate for a job and wanted to run this cover letter by me first.  Since I am too lazy to read it and tell her what i think, I'll just open it up to you guys.  If you have any critiques on her cover letter, please let me know in the comments section and I'll pass it along as my own thoughts and ideas.

Sandra typed her cover letter on a Macbook, depicted above.

Dear Prospective Employer,

I am an English graduate from Suffolk University.  For four years, I mastered the wordsmithing craft, becoming adept at critical reading, literary analysis, and creative writing.  I hope to bring these qualities to use in the craft of waiting tables for your esteemed eatery, Bistro Bertolini.

Though I am fully aware this position requires no cover letter, my writing proves my capacity to trespass the mundanity of banal expression, soaring into the transcendent.  You must ask yourself, can these skills, these consonant collisions, these verbocious vowels, translate into the world of waiting?  Yes.  Yes, this is.  Additionally, I lack a robust resume, and I desperately hope this cover letter will overcompensate for my lack of experience.

I understand the irony inherit in a trade called waiting, a trade involving anything but it's namesake.  Over the past few months, I've done enough of the other kind of waiting. The hustle and bustle, the cacophony of silverware, echoing the dimly lit wooden beams, this is the true meaning of the word waiting.  For this reason, I feel I am equipped for the prestigious position of lady garçon.  Quite frankly, as modern literature becomes increasingly obtuse, my precisely plotted prose grows too cerebral for the teevee jet set.  I would be a much more accessible waiter.  I could be the Michael Crichton of the food service industry. 

Thank you for reading this.  I look forward to hearing back from you.  It usually requires a few months for the literary journals to respond with a rejection letter, but I am positive you will be much more expedient with yours.

Your Hopeful Employee,

Sandra "Please Hire Me" Kneelingsworth

Thanks for reading this guys.  Sandra really appreciates my help you are giving her.

Your Loyal Leader,

Gonzalo "Verbosity is Key" Cordova